Welcome To Fatherhood
Welcome To Fatherhood
S4E23: An Update & Challenging the Double Standards of Fatherhood
Experiencing a miscarriage as a man is a difficult journey. It's a path I've walked and it led to the creation of "The Miscarriage Dad" platform—aimed at educating, raising awareness, and supporting men and fathers who find themselves in this heart-wrenching terrain. It's an unfortunate reality that compelled me to reinvent my Instagram presence, focusing a little less on the Welcome to Fatherhood brand, to create a much-needed safe space for men grappling with loss.
Theme Music
Dreamweaver by Sound Force
From Premium Beat
Show Music
New Flow Who Dis by Ghost Beatz
From Soundstripe
Welcome to the short episode of the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast. As you will notice, the only voice that you will be hearing today is mine, because I wanted to take this opportunity to update you about some of the changes that will be happening in the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast, as well as the Instagram platform. As some of you might have noticed, my production on the podcast has decreased over the past couple of weeks, as well as my production on the Instagram account has decreased over the past couple of weeks, and that's been a combination of a couple of things. I was dealing with some health issues, but nothing too serious. That I am now on the other side of work related stuff, family related stuff, and all of that has contributed to my lack of productivity or my lack of production in these areas, and that seems like it's going to be something that's going to carry over for the foreseeable future. And here's the reason why. If you've been a follower a faithful follower of this podcast over the past three years, you would have noticed that, especially this season, i have been bringing a lot of topics, a lot of conversations around pregnancy, loss and miscarriage, and I've had conversations with other dads. I've had people interview me, if you recall the conversation that I had with the miscarriage doula several months ago, talking about my experience in supporting my wife through the miscarriages that we we had, that topic, that little slice of what it means to be a father, according to my experience, has opened my eyes to the need for more advocacy, for more education, for more awareness about the father's role and involvement as this event is taking place. My experience has really opened my eyes to consider so many different things that are quite honestly lacking and detrimental to people like me when I was going through it, as well as other men who have gone through it. To really excite me, if that's even the right word to say, And I'm excited about the opportunity, if that's even the right word to say, and that opportunity is to be able to create content around the importance of changing the paradigms that shape fathers experience or experiences during these events, and so that's what I've been dedicating a lot of my time to.
Speaker 1:I've been dedicating, i've been dedicating a lot of my time to learning new things. I've been dedicating my time to creating new content around that, and what has spun out of that is another account that I am fully putting myself into, not that I'm not doing the same thing for Welcome to Fatherhood, because that's still something that I feel passionately about. Recently, i have launched another platform that falls under the umbrella of Welcome to Fatherhood, and that platform is called the Miss Carriage Dad, and so, if you have not yet, if you would like to support me on this journey, if you would like to support the platform it's only on Instagram for now Just head over to Instagram and look up the Miss Carriage Dad, and I would deeply appreciate if you were to follow the account, if you were to share the account, because what I'm aiming to do through the Miss Carriage Dad is not only localize all of the content that I've been creating this season on the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast. In fact, my goal is to be able to migrate all of that over to the Miss Carriage Dad platform and separate the two a bit Not that I see anything wrong with it being under the Welcome to Fatherhood tag, but I just want to create a hub, if you will, of that kind of content and that kind of information, just to build off of the momentum that really this season has just emerged for me. So that's part of the goal and that's part of the reason why my productivity on the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast IG page has decreased over the past several weeks. I still try to post a thing or two in my stories, i still have a couple of interviews coming up with guests that I'm really excited about, and so those conversations will come out, but I think, as of now, the way my thinking is about how to support and how to pour into both of these platforms, i'm going to have to cut back on the frequency of the Welcome to Fatherhood conversations through the podcast in order to find time to devote to the Miss Carriage Dad platform and building that up, as well as raising two kids, as well as being a husband, as well as having a full time job. And so I wanted to tell you my faithful followers and listeners and contributors and supporters of the Welcome to Fatherhood podcast beforehand, just so that I wouldn't leave you in the dark, and just so you get a sense of the reason why you will notice some decrease in productivity on the podcast as well as on my Instagram account, and that's the reason behind it.
Speaker 1:I feel compelled to be a voice for men and fathers who unfortunately have gone and unfortunately will go through the event of a miscarriage and supporting their spouse or partner through a miscarriage, and my personal experience has inspired me to be a voice, to be an advocate, in order to provide not just support for men and fathers in that moment of their lives, but to equip them to know how to support their partner or their spouse in the event that they experience a miscarriage And God forbid that any other man ever does. But the reality is that it is such a common occurrence that unfortunately doesn't get much attention. Much shine, much awareness And I say shine in air quotes, not that it needs to be something that is glorified as much as it is, as much as it is something that deserves a lot more awareness than what it currently has. And my aim in devoting my energy and my passion to that is to be able to get rid of the stigma that surrounds conversations around miscarriage and baby loss and talk about it in the same way that our society and culture has gotten to a comfort level, talking about, for instance, things like cancer or things like any other major disease or sickness or devastating event that can happen to someone. Not that a miscarriage is a disease or not, that a miscarriage is categorized in that way, but it is a devastating event that changes the lives and relationships of people, and the silence around it, the stigma surrounding it, is problematic for something that occurs so frequently. So, in short, that's what I've been doing, that's what I will be doing and that's what you will notice as well.
Speaker 1:So, once again, if you would like to support my new project, please look up the miscarriage dad account on Instagram. Presently, it is only on Instagram. I would appreciate a follow, i would appreciate a like, i would appreciate a share in your stories and your posts. I mean, get the word out there. That would greatly help me broaden my reach in order to accomplish the things that I hope to accomplish through that platform. That being said, when this episode releases on Wednesday those of you who hear it early in the day Wednesday at 1pm Eastern time I am having an Instagram live conversation with a contact that I've made on the miscarriage dad platform, and that conversation is going to happen on IG live on the miscarriage dad platform at 1pm Eastern time. Tune in if you're not doing anything. Of course, the video will be on my account so you can tune into it afterwards and check out the conversation that I will be having with my guest, jen Kelly.
Speaker 1:I also plan on launching a podcast on the miscarriage dad tag and name, coming up in August. So that is also something that is in the works. I'm excited about that. So that is something that I am devoting my attention to and my time to And therefore, again, i so appreciate your love and your support over the past three years since I began the welcome to fatherhood podcast that I just didn't want to transition into doing all of the things that I've already been doing for the miscarriage dad platform without letting you know how that is affecting, inevitably, what is happening on welcome to fatherhood. So thank you for your support, thank you for your interest, thank you for your inspiration, thank you for cheering me on over the past several years doing this.
Speaker 1:This is not. It kind of sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I am not saying goodbye. Welcome to fatherhood is still alive and well and I will continue to release content under welcome to fatherhood. The point of this that I reiterate again is to just inform you that there are changes, and some of which you have already seen in small ways. So, again, thank you very much. Continue to support And, if you are so inclined, if you are so moved and touched and find value in the content that you've been consuming over here on welcome to fatherhood. I guarantee you that the same thing, you would not be disappointed by joining the miscarriage dad community and supporting those projects as well. The last thing that I want to say before I let you go is something that I've been sitting on for quite some time. Consider this the topic of our conversation for this Wednesday.
Speaker 1:I remember when my wife first told me that she was pregnant and the excitement that I had that I was going to be a father, and naturally I am someone who spends a lot of time observing and thinking and processing through things. I am an observant person of my society. I am observant about my culture, and that is both ethnically speaking and just, for instance, where I live and where I work and the people who I befriend, and I am just an observant person about anything. That is just how my brain functions. And one of the things that became very clear to me in the early phases of fatherhood was and I have said this before was the excitement that people expressed towards my wife, who was becoming a first time mom, and the lack of excitement that people shared with me, with the exception of a few people, but the overwhelming majority were truly excited about my wife becoming a mother and the level of excitement and intensity around that excitement For me was lacking, and that began to open my eyes to the disparity between fathers and mothers, particularly in the context of two people who are becoming parents at the same time. It may seem as if there is a hint of jealousy in what I'm saying, but let's put that aside, because I can assure you I am not jealous of my wife and I can assure you that I'm not jealous of that fact that there is a disparity between mothers and fathers. What I am is deeply concerned and deeply troubled by how far reaching the implications of that disparity are, and I sincerely believe that they form the undercurrent of a lot of issues within our society.
Speaker 1:One of the more prominent ways that I can illustrate what I'm saying is in the fact that if a man were to celebrate becoming a new father in the same way that a woman celebrates becoming a new mother, ie a baby shower, there seems to be a level of discomfort and not even so much discomfort as much as it is head scratching, curiosity, maybe even ridicule, that he would want to be celebrated in that way, but no one bats an eye at mom. In fact I didn't have the opportunity to. We didn't have the opportunity, my wife and I, to have a baby shower because our son was born during the height of the pandemic so there was no way that was going to happen. But I have been to enough baby showers where I've seen both mom and dad be there and mom is treated like the queen, duly so, and dad is just kind of the accessory, slash, throw away, slash. Uh, that's nice for him.
Speaker 1:That's not to say that every single time this happens, but I don't think I would be incorrect in saying that the overwhelming majority of times that is what happens. The disparity between motherhood and fatherhood becomes very apparent in a moment where both parents are celebrating, or ought to be celebrated, as becoming parents, and that carries over when he accompanies her to the maternal visits and they step in the healthcare setting. And the moment that both of them step foot in the healthcare setting, their paths divide because the mom is the carrier of the baby, she is obviously the patient, she's obviously the one who takes a level of prominence, and the father, depending on the practice, depending on the provider, depending on the culture of that practice. In that setting, he may be Regarded as an equal or he may not, and I think there are many cases Where the latter seems to be what happens most often. And so why am I talking about all of this? I'm talking about all of this because, when I first became an Expectant father, one of the things that I realized, and one of the things that I said early on, rather, was that, you know, i don't want people, whoever people are, i don't want and I guess by people I meant my society.
Speaker 1:I don't want my society to ask About my child Where was his father? should my child go off and do something stupid? And I'm not talking about anything major, major, but that is included also, in fact, what I mean by something major. Major are the events that I ended up witnessing in my early days of Becoming an expectant father, as well as my early days of becoming a father, where young black men like myself were involved in very precarious situations and perhaps even Were the ones who did something or perceived to have done something, and One of the common refrains that would pop up time and time again in the media and in conversation surrounding that is where was his father. And that question always troubled me, because why is it that at that particular time in his life, because of that particular incident, the, the presence of his father, becomes relevant? and not to say that perhaps it hasn't been relevant before, but at that Particular time no one is asking where is Mom, but everyone seems to be asking where is dad. Let me illustrate.
Speaker 1:Recently, the NBA Superstar, john Morant, has been involved in some really stupid, boneheaded stuff. I mean, it's just flat-out stupid, boneheaded stuff. And the first incident involving him wielding a gun on Instagram live Got him suspended for a couple of games. Really a slap on the wrist. The NBA got that completely wrong, but that's a totally different conversation. So John Moran goes and speaks to the commissioner of the National Basketball Association His boss's boss's boss basically perhaps tells him a story, convinces the commissioner that he has changed his ways. The joke is that when he checked into a rehab place in Florida somewhere and then, like two days later, he emerges as a cured man, he might have gone through a drive-thru thing. That's something that I I didn't coin that myself. I give all the credit to that to uncle Shaysh, mr Shannon Sharp himself, and Precisely naming Shannon Sharp and his former co-host and on undisputed, a show that I used to love to watch Just because of Shannon's point of view, by the way.
Speaker 1:He and Skip Bayless would go back and forth on this thing, and one of the things that kept coming up was that same Troublesome refrain where is Jaws father? because what happened just two months after that first incident? Ja is caught on Instagram live again wielding another gun, and so that Begins a cascading of events where the investigations find all sorts of troublesome behavior, that this young man, who is an absolute box office attraction on an NBA court and has the ability to make Unlimited amount of money, is throwing it all away, seemingly because of X, y and Z reasons. But people who are Calling for accountability and who are trying to find out and figure out, why would someone like Ja, who has such platform and such status and such fame and such Access to money and such this and such that, why would he not consider that his behavior would compromise all of that endorsements and Nike and This contract and that opportunity Why would he not Consider that his behavior would jeopardize all of that? in fact, here comes the question Where is his father? Why hasn't his father said anything to him and to me, that bothered me. It bothers me still Because at that particular moment, jaws father who has been present since he has stepped onto the national stage, by the way, his father, who goes with him to every single game his father has been there. He has been there. Yet in a moment where his behavior, jaws behavior, has caused some trouble and turbulence, nobody I mean Nobody has asked the question Where is Jaws mother? But the figure, the parental figure that becomes, that comes into question is Where is his father? now, if that question is Is so important at that moment, allow me to illustrate the double standard that bothers me about my society, based on my personal experience and my personal observation.
Speaker 1:My wife and I recently welcomed our son Eden. Four months ago, for Eden's three month appointment, i took him to get evaluated and checked out by his pediatrician. It was also due to receive vaccines and my wife just didn't have the heart to see her baby get poked several times. So she said could you please take him to the appointment? Yes, love, no problem. I walked in with my son and I am getting him checked in.
Speaker 1:At the front desk, the woman behind the desk hands me an iPad and on the home screen of the iPad, there are two questions, or two boxes rather, in order to access a questionnaire or an assessment about my son Emphasis on my son. The first option to access the questionnaire. The first box said mother. The second box simply read I am not the mother of this child. Now, given that I know who I am, i am the father of this child. I know for a fact. I am not this child's mother.
Speaker 1:So I hit the appropriate response based on the two options that I was given. I am not the mother of this child. The screen reset back to the home screen and the iPad simply read something to the effect of thank you very much for taking the assessment or whatever the heck it said. And I was not able to respond to whatever the survey, whatever the questions. I don't even know what that thing was about. I was in such shock that I handed the iPad over to the woman and I just sat there in disbelief.
Speaker 1:So just because I'm not the mother of this child, the assumption is I can't answer questions about my child. So are we saying that it is only the mother of the child who is equipped and capable to answer questions about her child? But if the father would dare think that he has the capability to answer questions about that child. It is laughable at best, and I'm not even given an opportunity to show that I know what's going on with my own kid. And that was not the first time that an experience like that happened, because when Eden was born, i was the one filling out the paperwork for his birth certificate and all of that stuff. And as I'm filling out the information sheet, parent one is very clearly identified as the mother, which is not a problem. Heck, it's not a competition, it's not a competition at all. And I only found out later that parent one is intentionally the mother because of the questions that were being asked of parent one.
Speaker 1:And so by the time I get to the part of the questionnaire about parent number two, the only question was who are you in relation to parent number one? And once I put daddy, that was the only question that was devoted to me. And, as if that were not enough, in the back there was a segment that said requiring a signature, and before getting to the signature, the question that preceded it said if you are parent, if you are not, parent number one state the reason why you are the one filling out this form. And at that point I just got ticked off And I simply wrote because I'm the child's father. Is that good enough reason? And then I handed the paper over to the woman at the front desk. She reviewed it. When she got to that part she chuckled and she looked up and she said you didn't have to write that there. And I said that question didn't need to be there either, because, as the father of the child, it doesn't matter who fills out the paperwork, as long as both the child's mom and dad have equal regard in the filling out of the paperwork. But it was very clearly formulated to highlight that the information that is most important is that of parent number one, ie mom.
Speaker 1:Where is the father at that moment? Where is the father at that moment where that iPad didn't even give me a chance to identify who I was in relation to my child? I'll tell you where that father was. I was right there, but it didn't seem that my presence mattered at that moment. But God forbid, let my son become the next Jammarant and does something silly like that.
Speaker 1:Collectively, my society and his will ask well, where were you, bro? But wait, i've always been there, but in fact, since the beginning, since I was that expectant father, nobody really cared about my being there. Nobody celebrated me as they celebrated my wife When we walked into the hospital for her to get checked and to the clinic for her to get checked. She was obviously rightfully so the prominent one and I was simply the support person, not even given the dignity of being called the child's father. But I was there, but my presence didn't seem to matter there. In fact, in one of the miscarriages that my wife and I experienced, as I was with her waiting for her to get a DNC, which is this procedure to remove the tissue from her, the physician walked in and spoke to my wife and gave me his back in a tiny small room and got up and walked out. Where was the father? I'll tell you, i was right there, but my presence didn't seem to matter there.
Speaker 1:But should my child grow up and do something silly or stupid?
Speaker 1:It is at that point.
Speaker 1:Where was his dad? They asked that same question of Michael Brown. Where was his pops? They asked that same question of so many other young black men who have been caught up in difficult situations and threatening situations and dangerous situations. They asked that question about young black men who are in the streets, young black men who are in prison, young black men Where are their dads?
Speaker 1:Well, guess what? We've been here, but why is it? Why is it, curiously, that it is only in those moments the presence of the father seems to take on a prominence that it's been stripped of since the beginning, since that seed was planted? So we need to think about how we perceive this whole thing of parenthood and parenting. Healthcare settings, healthcare practices need to reconsider the language, even the decorum, the practices, the culture, the system that highlights one parent above the other. Societally, culturally, we all need to undergo a transformation to really assess our own biases so that, in moments like a jammer rant or a Mike Brown or any other moment that you could possibly think of, people like you, people like myself, would not fall prey to the double standard of pretending that the father's only important in those category of moments, while willingly ignoring his presence, his importance, his value as the equal parent for the majority of his trajectory as a father.
